13 Things Stepmom Wishes Her Husband Knew

1. I'M GLAD I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS SIGNING UP FOR.

I knew I was marrying a man with a son, but I had no idea that would come with the ineffable pain of custody battles, the relationship with your son's mother, and the battle of parenting. In all honesty, it's better I didn't know beforehand.

2. I LOVE OUR DAUGHTER DIFFERENTLY THAN MY STEPSON.

The love I have for all of my children (birth and step) is equal but different. Knowing that my stepson could abolish the love I've earned for the past 8 years definitely keeps me on my toes. Our daughter and children in the future have no choice, they will always love me.

3. IF I NEED A BREAK, IT'S FINE.

#momlife is exhausting, and sometimes I need a break. I need me time, pamper/relaxation time, and time with my girlfriends. My whole identity can’t be as a stepmom, so those days when I feel I’m really losing myself, I am going to have to step away for a little while, and I need that to be all right.

4. YOU HAVE TO ENFORCE RULES AND EXPECTATIONS, TOO.

I refuse to be the only parent that will enforce the rules and expectations of the household. I need you to understand that I will always be fighting an uphill battle with your child since I’m not his mom, and he will always respect you more than me.

5. YOUR PRIOR LIFE CONTROLS MY CURRENT LIFE.

Our pasts are not the same. Anyone I dated before you is no longer in the picture. Your ex is very much in the picture. In fact, I can’t choose to move away from here because we are required to stay close to your son's mom. I can’t pack my family up and go on vacation this weekend since our schedule is dependent on your custody agreement. I’m not complaining; I’ve learned to adjust. But I do need you to see how your prior life is controlling my life today.

6. I NEED YOUR HELP.

There are many things I do around the house to keep our home running smoothly, and honestly, you probably don’t even notice half of them. Understand that I may make it look easy, but I could always use your help. We both work really hard, and I understand when you’re home, you want to relax. But I enjoy relaxation too.

7. SOME DAYS I NEED A LITTLE EXTRA LOVE.

This stepmom gig is a lot more difficult than I anticipated. I wouldn’t trade it for the world, but that doesn’t change my reality. Some days are going to be more difficult than others. Occasionally I’m going to need a little more patience, understanding, and love. Random hugs and kisses are greatly appreciated!

8. HONESTLY, IT IS YOUR FAULT.

I don’t mean to sound unfair or petty, but you are the sole reason these additional complexities exist in our relationship. I wasn’t married before you, I don’t have a connection to another person that can influence our lives the way your child’s mom can. You had a baby before me, and that relationship makes the life for our family more complex. As a result, I do expect you to help me through some of my challenges since they were yours, to begin with.

9. THE ENTIRE WORLD PUTS A TON OF PRESSURE ON ME.

You may not see it, but there’s a double standard put on stepmoms. We are held to an extremely high standard, and the second we screw up, someone is on our cases. The world looks for flaws in us more than they do biological parents.

10. SOMETIMES I THINK ABOUT WHAT MY LIFE COULD HAVE BEEN LIKE.

I love you, and I love your son. But if we’re being honest, sometimes I wonder what my life would have looked like if I hadn’t married a man with son from a previous relationship. Surely my life would be simpler, less stressful, perhaps easier… these thoughts are not often but during true struggles they do arise.

11. I HATE NAGGING YOU TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR SON'S MOM.

The reason I nag you about following up with your son's mother is purely to make our lives more simple. Nagging you about communicating with your ex isn't something a woman usually asks of their significant other but as stepmom's, we have to put any insecurities aside and nag you to call them. 

12. I GAVE UP A LOT TO LIVE THIS LIFE WITH YOU.

Prior to our relationship, I was involved in so many activities for me. I was able to go out whenever I pleased and spend too much money on clothes. Now, I’m attending baseball and football practice, preparing dinner, and helping with homework. I willingly chose this life, and I don’t want you to feel guilty. But I am asking that you be aware of what I have given up and supportive of those times when I choose to pursue my passions.

13. ONE WORD, BOUNDARIES.

It’s really important to me that we set and stick to boundaries. Our life is really complex and complicated, and boundaries will help simplify that for us a little bit. We’re still trying to figure this blended family thing out in our own home. Once that’s figured out, we can better communicate beyond those boundaries.


STEPMOMbethann gondeck